We begin in a hotel in Chicago where Chris is looking at a magazine. Teresa is on the cover of “In Touch” with her girls posing with a puppy and the article is titled “terrified of being broke”. Chris and Jac remind us that Teresa is afraid of dogs.
We swing on over to Caroline’s hotel room where she is wearing her robe and trying to get Lauren to order a platter of cheese and other stuff complaining that she’s going to have a $5,000 room service bill. Just then, also in his robe ,Kato Kaelin Greg saunters over to Carolyn and Lauren and says, “did no one bring toothpaste on this trip?”
Carolyn says, “I have toothpaste but is it your brand of toothpaste that you like?
Then the picky homeless mooch, Greg says, “I think its gross”
Lauren says, “Well then,you slug, you go get something that doesn’t taste minty and sparkly.”
Greg: “I will”
As Greg lumbers out (without his wallet), I can’t help but stare at his butt hoping to see pantylines under that robe. (I know…I’m sorry…)
So Greg, (who tagged along on this all-expense-paid trip without even his own toothpaste), walks back in with a stack of magazines (which was probably charged to the room, along with his non-minty toothpaste). Obviously wanting to contribute in some way to the occasion he says he got his toothpaste then takes a magazine over to Caroline and says “did you hear about…. have you read this? I mean, she kinda threw you under the bus”.
Inside the magazine are quotes from Caroline, Kathy, MeGo and Kim G– and references they allegedly made about Teresa’s finances.
In Caroline’s headshot she says, “What’s even worse than being called a bully from a bully is the fact that she claims that we’re bullying her because of her financial situation right now…how insulting…. we’re the ones that were there when no one else was and then you go and slap us in the face…for what?” (Is Caroline crediting herself for getting Teresa on the show?)(Speaking of users, Caroline….want to add anyting about that that tall, mooching sloth eating your food, brushing his teeth with your toothpaste and hanging out in your crib?)
In the article Teresa allegedly says she doesn’t feel the need to keep up with the Jones’ and then Lauren chimes in with remarks about a purse and Joe’s shirt.
Then Caroline, who never makes unkind remarks about Teresa or her finances says, “Joe Giudice can live in a cardboard box as long as he’s got his homemade wine, his cigars and his friends… but the pressure that she has put on him to keep up with Melissa… then we’re seeing things.”
Back at their suite, Jac and Chris Laurita talk about the article and Chris gives Teresa credit for hustling and says the article wasn’t that bad.
Back to Caroline, who apparently received the bulk of judgmental-ism and pettiness in the Laurita family points out that Teresa is going to a wedding with her family and doing the article.
Lauren says, its not worth it.
In her headshot, Caroline says:
diss Teresa on camera in private headshots) take the high road
Greg , still wearing his robe, pushes in the breakfast cart. (Why is this waste of a tub-ring still on camera?)
Teresa and Joe arrive after individually and obnoxiously ringing the doorbell. Teresa and Jac get ready and Teresa says she wants to see Jac in a hat because she looks like the Princess, Kate Hudson who is a descendent of the Royal Hudson brother’s and The Duchess Private Benjamin.
Jac asks Teresa about the magazine and Teresa tells Jac that In Touch brought the dog to the photo shoot. She says she doesn’t have anything to do with choosing the words on the cover and that they ask her questions and she answers. She wants to put to bed the rumors about them getting a divorce, Joe’s cheating, that she’s with another man, and they’re going to renew their vows.
In her talking head Jac (behind Teresa’s back) says that Teresa is losing her sense of realness.
On the magic bus the Giudices, Lauritas, Manzos (and their little tag-a-long, Greggy), Teresa says that Melissa’s shore house is done and everyone laughs…
(Pretending to be her friend so Teresa says something they can use against her later,) Jac says, “…so now she has a redone home?”
Apparently (Mel) has a redone home now too.
Queue to Melissa talking to her shore neighbors, Miles and Mira, and she fishes for compliments on the redone shore house. She says how she wanted things……and they don’t seem interested in what she’s talking about but she keeps talking anyway. She says they wanted to do something else with the house but “you know what, I’ve got the big house at home”. Back to Miles and Mira…
Melissa keeps droning on about how they’re going to have a party and it could get loud and they’ll use their deck if it gets too big.And sometimes Joe starts to take off his clothes in the driveway but to ignore it.. and if they hear something that sounds like Edward Scissorhads milking a cow to just ignore it,…because they will be blasting her new song, Rockstar…just in case Pauly D is still on the shore. (ROCKSTAR??? Are you trying to send subliminal messages now? I’m going to have to play that crap backwards…)
At the shore house everyone starts arriving. Lyssssssa Sssssimpson starts making drinks and Joe arrives holding a magazine with Tre on the cover. Melissa says, “another one”?
Kathy is bugging her eyes out…
Mel says in her headshot, “I get it. You need to make money, make your money. But at the same time, you need to be loyal to your family (because if anyone can talk about loyalty, that’s this ho you’re lookin at.). Maybe she can go see a therapist about that. I’m sorry, that’s how I feel.
Kathy loyally tells her cousin’s, wife’s, sister, Lyssssssa… “who do I believe..the one I see on the magazine covers or the one in front of me..”?
Back on the love bus, Chris Laurita makes an announcement about Blackwater and he wants to go on a trip to Napa and invites everyone in the bus—and is able to finally wipe those smiles right off the Manzo’s faces.
Then Teresa tells Caroline her hat is perfect for the dress she’s wearing.
Head shot of Caroline saying, “…you know…shut up …now that I know about your stupid article, ok….now I know… it’s so great… you’re sitting on the bus like you’re my friend… (because we’re really only pretend friends) ..you and your hat shut up.”
Finally, they all arrive at the ceremony and Rich and Jaime arrive on a carriage.
The ceremony begins…
“Please turn to each other and share your thought and emotions at this moment….”
sermon speech about a story made up of mountains of minds…, big minds, little minds, small minds…no minds… losing your mind…
Then Rich and Jaime exchange rings, kiss and release butterflies…(which was really cute)..
Back at the Jersey Shore, Joe announces that they’re going to try something new…(promote themselves and turn the stereo up full blast while Miles and Mira are next door trying to get their dogs to quit howling….) Joe says they are going to play Melissa’s new song, Rockstar. Melissa then claims in her headshot she’s embarrassed…(and her acting sux even worse than last weeks warehouse scene where I’m now wishing Freddie had really been hiding.) They start playing the music and everyone is gathered around drinking and cheering and pretending it’s good.
Then we’re with Joe G and Rich as they go outside… and Rich (exposes the agenda) suggests they have someone mediate between Joe and Teresa….and Rich says, “Thery’re out at Chicago at the wedding, right? (Let’s kill two birds, we’ll buzzkill their good time and we can document this shiz for the camera..) At least she doesn’t have her kids pulling on her so there’s no excuse for her not to answer this text. This way you did it in front of me,… I’m even a witness….”
Then Rich,who suggestsTeresa needs helpbut who is a grown ass man and doesn’t know how to put shoes on by himself says, “You text her..that’s twice…you did what you had to do. “ “My wife didn’t get me my f@$)ing slippers..I’m gonna kill her. Oh my god, this is killing me bro…”
Then we sees a short clip on the bus where Juicy tells Lauren she’s on the Titanic..and Lauren, who is accustomed to being the object of fat jokes, starts saying.., “dont say I look like the unsinkable Molly Brown…” and Joe says no, the one with all the money and talks a lot…and then Lauren says she’s huge…. pan to Greg….
……and I’m wishing Juicy would mention farting just to wipe that smile off Kato’s face.
Teresa is at the table at the reception where everyone just ate and are talking….like what happens at receptions…and peole talk…..and Teresa says she just got a text message…. And that her book is on the New York times bestseller list. Just then everyone stops smiling (who am I kidding…she’s sitting with the Manzo’s and puss-face Greggy..)
Envious Caroline in her headshot: “Can anybody have anything…anything…its my brothers wedding…I don’t wanna talk about your stupid cookbook”.
Back at the shore with the MeGorgas, Mel says in her headshot:
“I have to say Joe and I have always been the party people. We like to keep it classy and yet sexy at the same time. That’s what Joe and I do, that’s our motto.” (Classy?)
Then Rich,compassionate for all the things Teresa is going through says in his headshot, “Thank god Teresa and Joe are in Chicago because I don’t want any bullshit at this party. She’s lost in space these days, Teresa. And her new so called family are finding out the hard way.”
Teresa tells Jac that she got a text from her brother… and Jac in her headshot says…
Then Jac, who is NOT in collusion with anyone, says….” Maybe he’s just looking for someone to mediate, you know that will help sort his thoughts and help you to communicate.” In her headshot Jac says, “I feel like I can’t even help her..”
Back at the reception, Rich and Jaime light up “Wish Lanterns” and release them in the air….and they make it over the house and the trees without igniting anything…that we know of….
In Jac’s headshot she summarizes how to solve all her pretend friends problems and says…
“Teresa, if she would allow herself to be who she is faults and all, she would be a happy woman(and so would we because we’re having a problem convincing people its her fault…)… for real and not for fake”.
Preview for next week…Teresa finally comes out of her shell…
We swing on over to Caroline’s hotel room where she is wearing her robe and trying to get Lauren to order a platter of cheese and other stuff complaining that she’s going to have a $5,000 room service bill. Just then, also in his robe ,
Carolyn says, “I have toothpaste but is it your brand of toothpaste that you like?
Then
Lauren says, “Well then,
Greg: “I will”
As Greg lumbers out (without his wallet), I can’t help but stare at his butt hoping to see pantylines under that robe. (I know…I’m sorry…)
So Greg, (who tagged along on this all-expense-paid trip without even his own toothpaste), walks back in with a stack of magazines (which was probably charged to the room, along with his non-minty toothpaste). Obviously wanting to contribute in some way to the occasion he says he got his toothpaste then takes a magazine over to Caroline and says “did you hear about…. have you read this? I mean, she kinda threw you under the bus”.
(An unfortunate visual image permanently burned into my brain.)
Inside the magazine are quotes from Caroline, Kathy, MeGo and Kim G– and references they allegedly made about Teresa’s finances.
In Caroline’s headshot she says, “What’s even worse than being called a bully from a bully is the fact that she claims that we’re bullying her because of her financial situation right now…how insulting…. we’re the ones that were there when no one else was and then you go and slap us in the face…for what?” (Is Caroline crediting herself for getting Teresa on the show?)(Speaking of users, Caroline….want to add anyting about that that tall, mooching sloth eating your food, brushing his teeth with your toothpaste and hanging out in your crib?)
In the article Teresa allegedly says she doesn’t feel the need to keep up with the Jones’ and then Lauren chimes in with remarks about a purse and Joe’s shirt.
Then Caroline, who never makes unkind remarks about Teresa or her finances says, “Joe Giudice can live in a cardboard box as long as he’s got his homemade wine, his cigars and his friends… but the pressure that she has put on him to keep up with Melissa… then we’re seeing things.”
Back at their suite, Jac and Chris Laurita talk about the article and Chris gives Teresa credit for hustling and says the article wasn’t that bad.
Back to Caroline, who apparently received the bulk of judgmental-ism and pettiness in the Laurita family points out that Teresa is going to a wedding with her family and doing the article.
“It’s despicable. You came to a very big event in our lives with my family…. Ok….your supposed to be my (pretend) friend (because you haven’t heard me dogging you out every episode already). Why didn’t you talk with me about this? That to me is the worst kind of coward…it’s the worse kind of person”
Greg (crossing his fingers) says.. “so now what do you do? I don’t think you can really simmer down and have a conversation with her.”Lauren says, its not worth it.
In her headshot, Caroline says:
“Everything with Teresa is show. She’s very smart in the way she hits. She hits and runs when there’s an audience and she makes herself look like the victim….and before you have a chance to speak and tell your side of the story, she’s gone. (Whereas I don’t say anything to your face at all, I just run my mouth behind your back so you never hear what I’ve said for another year.) So shut your mouth and suck it up. I don’t care what it takes… don’t give her what she wants, don’t play the game… shut up.”
They determine to (Greg , still wearing his robe, pushes in the breakfast cart. (
Teresa and Joe arrive after individually and obnoxiously ringing the doorbell. Teresa and Jac get ready and Teresa says she wants to see Jac in a hat because she looks like the Princess, Kate Hudson
Jac asks Teresa about the magazine and Teresa tells Jac that In Touch brought the dog to the photo shoot. She says she doesn’t have anything to do with choosing the words on the cover and that they ask her questions and she answers. She wants to put to bed the rumors about them getting a divorce, Joe’s cheating, that she’s with another man, and they’re going to renew their vows.
In her talking head Jac (behind Teresa’s back) says that Teresa is losing her sense of realness.
On the magic bus the Giudices, Lauritas, Manzos (and their little tag-a-long, Greggy), Teresa says that Melissa’s shore house is done and everyone laughs…
(Pretending to be her friend so Teresa says something they can use against her later,) Jac says, “…so now she has a redone home?”
Apparently (Mel) has a redone home now too.
Queue to Melissa talking to her shore neighbors, Miles and Mira, and she fishes for compliments on the redone shore house. She says how she wanted things……and they don’t seem interested in what she’s talking about but she keeps talking anyway. She says they wanted to do something else with the house but “you know what, I’ve got the big house at home”. Back to Miles and Mira…
Melissa keeps droning on about how they’re going to have a party and it could get loud and they’ll use their deck if it gets too big.
At the shore house everyone starts arriving. Lyssssssa Sssssimpson starts making drinks and Joe arrives holding a magazine with Tre on the cover. Melissa says, “another one”?
Kathy is bugging her eyes out…
Mel says in her headshot, “I get it. You need to make money, make your money. But at the same time, you need to be loyal to your family (
Kathy loyally tells her cousin’s, wife’s, sister, Lyssssssa… “who do I believe..the one I see on the magazine covers or the one in front of me..”?
Back on the love bus, Chris Laurita makes an announcement about Blackwater and he wants to go on a trip to Napa and invites everyone in the bus—and is able to finally wipe those smiles right off the Manzo’s faces.
Then Teresa tells Caroline her hat is perfect for the dress she’s wearing.
Head shot of Caroline saying, “…you know…shut up …now that I know about your stupid article, ok….now I know… it’s so great… you’re sitting on the bus like you’re my friend… (because we’re really only pretend friends) ..you and your hat shut up.”
Finally, they all arrive at the ceremony and Rich and Jaime arrive on a carriage.
The ceremony begins…
“Please turn to each other and share your thought and emotions at this moment….”
Sorry to interrupt but my boyfriend who hates all the housewives…..looks up from the computer and says….
“Hey, wasn’t that the guy that was just on ultimate fighter?”
(Rich does look a little like Vinc Pichel on the right, doesn’t he?) Sorry…back to the wedding…
Caroline gives her Then Rich and Jaime exchange rings, kiss and release butterflies…(which was really cute)..
Back at the Jersey Shore, Joe announces that they’re going to try something new…
Then we’re with Joe G and Rich as they go outside… and Rich (
Then Rich,who suggestsTeresa needs help
Then we sees a short clip on the bus where Juicy tells Lauren she’s on the Titanic..and Lauren, who is accustomed to being the object of fat jokes, starts saying.., “dont say I look like the unsinkable Molly Brown…” and Joe says no, the one with all the money and talks a lot…and then Lauren says she’s huge…. pan to Greg….
……and I’m wishing Juicy would mention farting just to wipe that smile off Kato’s face.
Teresa is at the table at the reception where everyone just ate and are talking….l
Back at the shore with the MeGorgas, Mel says in her headshot:
“I have to say Joe and I have always been the party people. We like to keep it classy and yet sexy at the same time. That’s what Joe and I do, that’s our motto.” (Classy?)
Then Rich,
Teresa tells Jac that she got a text from her brother… and Jac in her headshot says…
“I like being there for my friends, I really do. But sometimes it’s like the same stuff over and over again. I wish she could handle the situation and get past it for once and for all…” (and ….like buy a one-way plane ticket, just like I did for my daughter…)
In Teresa’s headshot she says, “I want things to work out with my brother and I but this is a little bit dramatic…”Then Jac, who is NOT in collusion with anyone, says….” Maybe he’s just looking for someone to mediate, you know that will help sort his thoughts and help you to communicate.” In her headshot Jac says, “I feel like I can’t even help her..”
Back at the reception, Rich and Jaime light up “Wish Lanterns” and release them in the air….and they make it over the house and the trees without igniting anything…that we know of….
In Jac’s headshot she summarizes how to solve all her pretend friends problems and says…
“Teresa, if she would allow herself to be who she is faults and all, she would be a happy woman
Preview for next week…Teresa finally comes out of her shell…
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